Lately I've been kind of feeling ... withdrawn, maybe, like I have no spark. I still live with my folks, and while I enjoy mural work, I can't seem to get it steady enough to be able to save enough money to move out. In general, my family gets to me, sometimes I wonder how it is I'm related to them.

I've been trying different things, including updating my portfolio of graphic design work (I'll upload these new things soon), but financially I can't seem to get ahead somehow. Since I moved back from Savannah, I've felt kind of like I've been in limbo. But I spent the last two weeks slaving away on the computer, and then as I looked at websites for agencies I might want to show work to, I noticed that my ideas don't seem that strong compared to what I see professionals doing, and I begin to wonder if I even want to get into commercial art anyway.

So to sum it up, everything lately has been repetition and boredom, like a journey around an oval track that doesn't end. I wouldn't say that things have been bad, just ... dull, lifeless. You're probably thinking, "has SirGrunt always been this whiny?" Then tonight I finally got a piece of masonite back on my easel and started the first few layers of a new painting, and I thought, "Holy crap, it feels great just to have a brush in my hand again."

I've been struggling with preliminary sketches for this painting for several days, but I just decided to start and work things out as I go, no more tinkering or planning. And it felt great. And I realized that painting makes me happy. (I guess there had to be a reason I did it.) But I realized I need to do it to be happy.

And lately, I've been trying really hard to figure out what it is I want. And suddenly I think I might realize a few simple, necessary things that are needed to be happy, in my own case anyway.

Those things are:

Painting
Freedom
Inspiration
Bullshit

I guess the first two are pretty obvious; inspiration can come from a broad range of things, but I need to actively seek it out. And by bullshit, I mean the fun kind of bullshit, the kind that is offered by Montey Python films, public access television or brainstorming sessions with other people who don't take themselves too seriously.

I don't know if I'm suddenly going to have some direction, or if much is going to change, but I feel like I just discovered something important, even if it may seem pretty simple or silly. But I really think I need these four things to not be miserable or crazy. It felt good to get all this articulated and thought through, hopefully it wasn't too painful to read.

If you did read it, I appreciate it.